09 April 2010

"341" #Fridayflash


I have to punk out this week, and leave you with a scene from my forever WIP "500". The following scene isn't really gory, but the inferred references are. Keep an open mind or leave now. Just sayin'. - CC

(In this scene, Stein has been led around by Roger De Los Muertos, or You-Know-Who's Assistant, and he seems to want to break the man. Scenes from his life are rerun like a bad movie, out of focus, and out of order. If it works well enough as a stand-alone, awesome. Otherwise, I apologize for the abstract slice. This is an experiment.) 




Photo credit: alexfrance from morguefile.com


Stein felt naked. Steam rolled in around him, hot and humid. He looked down and gave a little yelp.

“Oh come now, not as if I can't see all of you anyway,” Roger said, standing next to him in a towel. His sunken white chest had weeping sores dotted across it, like crying eyes. Stein recoiled when they blinked in unison.

“What the fuck?”

“Seems to be your favorite statement come lately,” Roger scoffed and rolled his head back on his neck.
“Know where you are?”

“Gym,” Stein said flatly. His hair was soapy. He turned to the water spray to rinse the shampoo out. “Kevin.”

He switched the water off and Roger handed him a towel. Or at least—fuck. That caught him by surprise. Kevin Cordoba stood there in a towel himself. His face was red and he stammered. Even though Stein knew exactly what he was going to say, his face worked into a mask of surprise.

“Do I know you?”

Kevin managed a small smile and clung loosely to the towel when Stein moved to snatch it out of his hands.

“Jesus,” Stein said to Roger, outside himself, seeing everything as it occurred. “I was fucking seventeen man! I don't want to see this—“

“You did very horrible things, didn't you Stein? What was it that you did immediately after you told him to get the fuck away from you?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“No?” Roger said, “Because I can show you what your friends did to him—“

“Fuck you.”

“They had to identify him by his teeth, Cristein. He was tied down in the bed of a pickup truck like an animal. No one ever knew young boys could be such—monsters.” His grin wavered, “But not you Stein. No. You came off smelling like a rose. Seems Angel and Jason did time in the big house. Jason was stabbed in the throat with a sharpened spoon. He died at the scene, and no one knew where or how that inmate was able to keep a weapon like that. They found out when Armando died a day later from internal bleeding.”

He jerked the towel from Kevin's paused hand and blotted Stein's face.

“Three for the price of one. You've been quite the commodity during your time.”

“I didn't know goddamnit,” Stein said, gritting his teeth. The shower faded, and so did Kevin's hopeful smile.

16 comments:

Sam said...

By crikey! There's an unsettling mental image I'll have trouble shifting. Good work! :)

Scott King said...

It's a tad disjointed. You are just thrown in and kinda like "huh?" It's not the story it's the set-up. I think a line or two at the start or near the beginning could fix the issue. Just something to establish the tone/genre so as a reader you have an idea of what to expect or what kind of story this is.

As part of something larger this is of course fine because the reader will not only know who is who, but all those other kinds of expectations will already have been met.

wiredwriter said...

Damn good one, Carrie. I love your nightmarish scenes, and the dialogue is so fucking engaging.

Marisa Birns said...

Yes, the references infer the gore, but done in such a way that one's imagination makes it darker than you could have possibly written it. So, well done, you!

Being reminded of horrid scenes of one's past is certainly hell.

What an intriguing story you are writing.

Deanna said...

I think this works quite well as a stand-alone, and, as usual, your dialogue, not to mention your prose, is incredibly vivid.

One little bit you might want to fix - you have 'rise' instead of 'rinse' in the sentence about rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.

Great read, as always Carrie!

Michael Solender said...

yikes!

Cathy Olliffe said...

It'll take more than a shower to clean up that history.
Nice work, Carrie.

John Wiswell said...

Hope you're okay, Carrie, and just too normal-busy to write a fresh flash.

Benjamin Solah said...

Wow, that was confronting. Nice work.

Anne Tyler Lord said...

That was creepy and your writing delivers it with vivid imagery and great dialogue!

But, I must stop eating lunch when I read FridayFlash.

G.P. Ching said...

Brutal. I can imagine what the rest of 500 must be like. I think you should finish this WIP. This is good stuff.

Tomara Armstrong said...

I am intrigued, and would love to read the mother that birthed this slice.

~2

openid said...

Wow, Carrie, you call that punking out? Such strong and pounding action - or at least the suggestion of it - right from the beginning. Seriously dangerous stuff. Loved it. ~ Olivia

Eric J. Krause said...

Very cool. I hope 500 goes from WIP to finished work sometime soon because I'd love to read it all. This works fine as a stand alone, but it really wets the apatite for the whole thing.

Christian Bell said...

Nice one, with enough detail to make this nightmarish. The dialogue stands out in this one and is used effectively to move the story along and provide back story. I would say that I might be a little lost without your lead-in just before the story, so it might not be exactly a stand-alone piece, but that doesn't detract from reading this, I think.

Bukowski's Basement said...

Deftly-written, Carrie... A fine piece, as always.